A BDSM Guide for Beginners
When I first joined the BDSM community four years ago, I simply viewed it as a way to make sex more enjoyable. Based on media representations, BDSM brought to mind ballgags, blindfolds, floggers, and latex—I never could have imagined all of the ways it could benefit me. It’s helped me reach new levels of vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and trust, and has been a major tool in helping me heal. Without a doubt, kink and BDSM have made me a better person.
However, I know from personal experience that getting involved can be intimidating. There’s so much to learn, and playing with intense emotions and sensations can add to the pressure. For this beginner’s guide, I’ve tried to break it down into what I think are the most important foundations to your kink journey: education, communication, and safety.
Educate Yourself
Education is crucial for new BDSM players. I would argue that every form of play requires some level of knowledge and/or skill, especially when you’re engaging in kinks that involve safety risks.
Research
Whether you’re interested in mental play, physical play, or both, it’s important to research whatever kinks you plan on playing with. This way you’ll learn about physical aspects of kink, like how to use an impact toy, where it’s safe to hit flesh, etc.; while also learning about the mental aspects of kink, such as power dynamics and aftercare. It’s also important to become familiar with kink lingo, like subspace, domspace (or top space), and drop.
There’s a wealth of kink education resources out there, whether you’re looking for scientific studies or stories from personal experience. Personally, I learn the most about kink from podcasts like Off the Cuffs (which I went onto intern, and then work for), The Dildorks, and The Bed Post. These podcasts often feature people in the kink community talking about their knowledge and experiences with almost any kink you can think of, while simultaneously teaching about the importance of consent and communication. Books, virtual classes, and forums are other great options for learning more about kink and BDSM.
Find Community
There are many benefits to finding your people when it comes to BDSM. A major plus for me was that meeting other people willing to openly admit that they were kinky at a munch made me feel less alone. There are also advantages to meeting play partners within a real-life community, because others who have played with them might be willing to tell you about what they’re like as a play partner.
Going to munches and going to in-person events can lead to seeing others practice kink, which can help you make connections and get more ideas on how to play. Munches and events are a great way to meet like-minded people, and are generally safer than meeting up with someone on a whim from the internet.
Additionally, there are tons of online kink communities, such as on Reddit or Discord. Kinky Discord servers have been a great tool for helping me stay connected with other kinksters throughout the pandemic. Some useful BDSM subreddits include r/BDSMAdvice and r/BDSMCommunity. Fetlife is another popular avenue for meeting people and finding local or online kink events.
Communicate, communicate, communicate!
You can’t have a good scene without thorough communication. It’s required in order to ensure that all parties are satisfied and to avoid mistakes or unwanted advances. Essentially, the more clearly everyone involved can articulate their desires, the more likely they are to create the experience they want.
Interests and Limits
Before you can have a fun kinky time with someone, you have to make sure you have compatible interests. Even if you already know you have similar kinks to your potential play partner, you might want to ask them to tell you about some of their other interests. You never know, you might find out about another element you want to add into a scene.
Limits are typically areas of play that are completely off-limits, often because they’re either physically or emotionally distressing. They’re sometimes divided into soft limits and hard limits—the former referring to play that someone normally wouldn’t do, but might in the right situation, and the latter being things that you will not do under any circumstances. You’ll want to be sure that you know your partner’s limits and that they’re aware of yours before you do any play.
Negotiate
Negotiation is where you and your partner collaborate to figure out how to make your scene as pleasurable as possible for both of you, and where you get into the nitty-gritty of what you want to happen during it. A popular option is a Yes/No/Maybe list, which can help you start an ongoing conversation about all of the fun and sexy things you want to do with someone. With a Yes/No/Maybe list, you can focus on where all of your yesses align and proceed from a place of mutual understanding.
During negotiation, you should establish clear consent, safewords, and aftercare. Marking “yes” for a kink on a Yes/No/Maybe list does not establish consent, so make sure that everyone understands what’s going to be happening and is clearly consenting to it.
Safewords are essentially a code word that is mutually understood to immediately stop the scene for any reason. Typically people choose a word that wouldn’t normally be said during a scene so that it’s unmistakable that someone needs the scene to stop. Many people also go by the “stoplight system,” where you say “red” as a hard stop, “yellow” to indicate that something is off or that you’re close to needing to use your safeword, and “green” when everything is okay. It’s important to make sure that everyone involved knows the safeword and that it’s easy to remember, because oftentimes the intense headspace that comes with kink play can make it challenging to do a lot of thinking.
You should make sure that your partner knows what you need physically and emotionally after a scene before you engage in play, and that you’re aware of their needs. If you need things like chocolate, water, or comfort items after a scene, someone should make sure to have them on-hand. You could also make your partner aware of anything else they might want to know—do you have any accessibility needs that need accommodation? Do you tend to cry after an intense impact scene? Are there any other triggers that your play partner should avoid?
Especially when you’re first playing with someone, it’s important to frequently check in with them during scenes. If it seems like they’re experiencing any adverse reactions you should make sure that they’re doing okay—you can even take breaks every few minutes while you’re starting out. You can even treat your first (or even first few) scenes with someone as a sort of experiment in which you gauge their reactions to different language and sensations. Be sure to check in after the scene as well to make sure everyone had a good time, and if you’re both up for it, you can discuss what you would change for next time.
Playing Safely
Just like we practice safe sex, it’s important to practice safe kink. While safety is a fundamental aspect of BDSM, it’s also a bit of a complicated subject. Everyone has a different definition of safety—for example, you’re taking a risk every time you drive a car, smoke a cigarette, or climb a ladder, but most people consider these things mundane.
What’s important is that everyone involved is on the same page about safety, and that everyone is aware of their risk profile. By creating a risk profile, you think about the risks involved with whatever you’re engaging in and thinking about how you want to address them if they happen. Communicating with your partner about your risk profile acknowledges that there are risks to what you’re going to be engaging in, and makes sure that you both know what to do in the event that things go wrong.
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There’s a whole world of kink and BDSM out there, and this beginner’s guide just scratches the surface. Education, communication, and safety may be essential building blocks, but there’s an infinite amount of nuance when it comes to kink, power dynamics, and alternative relationships. Above all, kink is personal to everyone, and your relationship with it will evolve and grow over time. It’s all a journey, and with some personal reflection, it can help you learn more about yourself while experiencing new levels of pleasure along the way.
Written by Gwen of offthecuffs.org, Follow them on Twitter/Instagram @bidaily666